Endlessly I am climbing my
terrain. I’m in the same place in every step. I find myself coming to the true
realization of my situation. I am stuck in the same space in time. Continuously
my legs are urged forward. Over the rolling hills, I begin to realize the
vagueness of my sight. An aura surrounds me, hypnotized by a colour of the
universe that I cannot explain. But it is wrong. Something overcomes me and I
feel the need to step out of its persuasion. I will not allow it. I know that
there is something I have lost.
I have only just broken my
hypnotic spell, and I have not realized my surroundings. A vast emptiness of
infinite lush green rolling hills. Beyond the horizon, is the continued
grasslands. How unnatural. I attempt to locate the source of luminescence, but
rays of light seep through the haze above me, dripping onto the wet grass under
I suddenly feel the shock of a
sensation. This whole path and yet never a sight of a tear from the sky. Never did I notice the
sore pain of my feet. The emptiness of each hill. the coldness of the
atmosphere. I have not felt in so long. How long? What have I been doing? Stuck
in my thoughts, I realize I have lost something. I have lost something, and now I do not know
what. I am vulnerable, even in this ethereal beauty, I am incomplete. What is
that stirs in me? In the pit of my stomach, I have named my lost understanding.
I am lost. I am in this landscape
isolated and confused. Somewhere so striking but so empty. Unfulfilled.
Something has been taken from me.
I need to know what. I am aware of the sounds around me but I cannot hear them.
I am stuck in time. I am slow and
yet everything is happening before I can comprehend.
I watch as peaks of snow form
around me. Within me, mutually something begins to change. Something in my
I am trying to feel. Feel the
wind brush past with voices attempting to call me. Feel the dry grass trying to
soothe me as it disappears into soft frost. But it is not cold.
Unlike before now I can really see.
I have stopped staggering. The sun hides behind godly summits, gleaming. But
something is wrong here too. The air is still. The view is once more endless
and insufferably hard to comprehend. Yellow bounces of each freckle of snow. I
should feel calm. There is a chaos in the silence. And there shouldn’t be.
A whirlwind of chaos inside me I
can no longer ignore. I do not feel as if I can understand anymore. The chaos
of a cycle I cannot leave. My urge and passion pump through my veins.
The clouds above cause the light
to lose its source. Nothing is clear. Vague. Undefined. My thoughts are
I need to be heard. To be
understood. But I am alone in this vastness, and my heart cannot be heard. But
my voice has to. I scream. I shout as loud as I can. I screech and scream like
the animal inside me needs to escape.
The response. There is none.
No echo and no reply. I am the
only sound, quiet but my volume is at its maximum.
I try to drag my feet forward. I
run to the highest peak, the distance immeasurable, unreachable, but it is
right in front of me. I can almost touch it as much as I can barely see it.
I fall to the ground. My fists
pound the indented white stone that melts from the heat of my rage. My anguish
Whatever was building in my
stomach releases itself to the rest of my body. My bones begin to turn fluid.
My muscles slack. I cannot do it anymore. My lungs begin to lose control of the
air that is now masked in dense velvet.
The oxygen that does not exist. That does not supply me with life.
The tears find their way down my
cheeks. They fall to the earth with force.
My vision is foggy. Nothing is
right. Everything moves around me. Spins. Harshly winds screech in my ears.
Thoughts and memories that are temporarily restored. That I no longer own. A
life I do not have. Not anymore. I am burning with misery.
Everything goes black. No not
black. But something changes once more in my inevitable cycle.
I hear before I see. The clashing
of rock against…what is it? It is so familiar. And it warms me. The smell of
salt welcomes me. My eyes are open and I am anchored by the mist of the ocean
around me. As each crest comes closer it races to my feet, hitting every
pebble, spraying me every time. It returns back to its centre and once more
pushes outwards toward me. Calling me. As it churns, each wave synchronizes to
the beat of my heart. Its hum silences the noise of my conscience. A gust of
air pushes my hair back, and for once I do not feel powerless.
I gradually feel the tingle in my
fingers infer the grasp of my control. A rush down my spine and I know. I know
I am ready. I look above me. The sun, clear and unmasked, guides my eyes back
to the water. It reflects each movement. Transparent with truth and strong at
I turn my head to look upwards
The summits have reappeared, and
I have reentered. No longer do I tred. I hike.
Endlessly, I begin again.